forever and ever

I am one happy dude. I've never known this level of complete happiness before.

On Nov. 11 of this year, I will be getting married to to the woman of my dreams.

I never actually thought this would happen. A part of me wanted to believe I'd end up with someone like her, but a bigger part of me thought I would have to settle for someone and be happy with it. But I waited and it was worth it. I get to marry Jill. She said yes to my proposal on Mother's Day.

She wasn't even hesitant about saying yes or anything. She agreed to it before I could even spit the words out of my mumbling mouth. (I was a tad bit nervous)

I want to make her the happiest woman alive. I want her to wake up in the morning and think "there is no possible way I could be treated any better by my husband".

This is going to be so awesome.

twister

I used to live one block from this street in Iowa City. It was hit by a tornado Thursday night. I'm glad that I don't live there anymore.

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I was in an Easter skit on Good Friday. I played the part of Peter, and it was fun. I used to be a big drama geek, but now I don't get to do that sort of thing very often.

One thing I don't understand, at all, is why it is called "Good" Friday. It's not good at all. It's pretty much the darkest day in history. If you're a Christian, that is.

the party

My sister and Jill threw Matt and I a party for our 30th birthdays. Matt and I are only three days apart.

It was a good time. We had X-boxes, A PS2 with Dance Dance Revolution, a shuffleboard court, board games, music, and a bar. There were over 80 people there and everyone had fun.


The pinata was mainly for the kids, but they weren't strong enough to knock it down, so I took my turn and nearly sent my girlfriend to the emergency room. They say I missed her by just a few inches. I felt bad. Blindfolds + a big stick + vodka shots = a very dangerous situation.

My mom, of all people, made a bikini cake.

I ate a boob, and it tasted good. Never knew they were so chocolatey!

committed

Sorry about the aforementioned nascar post. I definitely think nascar is something that is very annoying to people that don't follow it. I was once there, hating it, but once I starting watching it I got sucked in, and now it's one of my very guilty pleasures.

If I ever start writing about pro wrestling, I should certainly be banned from the internet.

Things with Jill are going pretty good. We mutually decided to not spend the night with each other anymore. We aren't married, and we don't believe in cohabitation, which is essentially what we were doing. Now we are sleeping separately. I think this is a step in the right direction. Jill is missing me a ton now though, and I feel bad for her. However, it might turn out to be a good thing.

You see, the reason we are not married or engaged yet is because of her. I have not pressured her, but have made it clear to her that I am 100% ready to tie the knot. She has convinced herself that she isn't ready. I think she is ready, but she undertandably has some guilt of moving on so quickly after her husband has passed away. (It's been 13 months now) She is concerned about how others will perceive her, and that she isn't being sensitive enough to her deceased husband's family.

But now that we aren't spending the night with each other anymore, she is starting to to really miss me, and realizing that she doesn't want to be without me. So this may just speed up the whole marriage thing. Last night on the phone she said to me "I know I shouldn't say this, but when we decide to get married, let's just elope. Planning a wedding will take at least five or six months, and I don't think I want to wait that long."

Needless to say I am going to start shopping for a rock this weekend.

redneck talk

5 things that pissed me off about the Daytona 50:

5. Ryan Newman talking in the post race interview. Man, he is annoying. Plus, it's weird to look at him since he doesn't have a neck.

4. Tony Stewart. This dumbass is a hypocrite and a whiner. He purposely wrecked Matt Kenseth for no good reason and could have killed somebody. Tony had whined earlier in the week that everyone was driving too reckless, and then he drives like an idiot. I guess it’s good for the sport to have a villain, though, eh?

3. That Dave Matthews from the Dave Matthews Band won the race. Is it just me, or is Jimmie Johnson a younger replica of Dave?

singer or race car driver?







2. Jeff Gordon didn’t win, so his girlfriend (or whatever she is) didn't get any tv time after the race. (she's quite cute.)

1. That I actually watched this race, and enjoyed it.

a tent

One of my favorite times of the week is on Monday nights, when Jill has bible study and I get to babysit her son, let's call him JJ. Frighteningly enough, I am the chief male role model of JJ, because I spend more time with him then anyone other than his mother. I adore JJ, and every day he says something that makes me laugh. My heart goes out to the little guy so much because his dad died, and he doesn't understand it at all and still asks about him almost daily. I personally think his dad is a piece of crap for doing what he did, but I won't get into that.

JJ is almost four, and I think it's time for him to say goodbye to some of the sissy stuff that toddlers enjoy, and start doing more boy stuff. Like I said, he doesn't have much male interaction and I might be starting to get slightly concerned. He came home from daycare wearing a pink crown that he made with construction paper the other day. I asked him if there were other colors to choose from and he told me that he wanted pink. So, "The Wiggles" are no longer allowed, that crap will turn any boy gay, not to mention drive me bonkers. Luckily, every time he asks to watch them I can bribe him by saying "let's watch Thomas the Train or Bob the Builder instead". He loves those two, along with Dora and Diego, which I can stand because Dora is totally hot.
So back to babysitting on Monday nights and doing masculine guy stuff. On the car ride home, JJ asks me if we could go in the camper. (He remembers staying in my parents camper back in August. The kid's got a good memory.) So I tell him that, if he wants, we can set up a tent in my living room. We did, and it was an absolute blast. JJ asked if we could leave the tent up for 40 days. He says 40 days for everything, and in this case I just may leave it up for that long.

redneck poem

When it comes to this blog, I like to keep my anonymity. I've held on to a secret long enough, so I'm finally going to let the cat out of the bag. You may be surprised to know that I'm a well-known poet. I don't like to brag, but my compilation book of poems actually reached the peak position of 1,346 one day last August on amazon.com. Currently the books are sold out, but my publishing company has been considering a second printing.

The following is a sample of one of my more famous poems. It's not my best work, but perhaps the most honest and raw.

-------------------------------------------------------------------.

Don't Tailgate Me, Please!

Die Redneck Die!
Congratulations, you are blinding me with your headlights,
now, either pass me or stop riding my ass.
You think you are so cool with your oversize rims and tires
and your giant confederate flag decal,
but this is iowa, dumbass, and we are well north of the mason dixon line.
Not that you even know what that is.
Your rusted out pickup is still a crummy piece of shit
just like you, you piece of shit.
What's your problem fucker?
I want to stab you in the eye.
But you probably have a sawed off shotgun in your truck
and you'd shoot me with it if I tried to stab you.
I hate you and all your inbred kind.
So just die, assface, die.


This poem got mixed reviews. Actually, I don't recall any critic who was particularly fond of it, but what do they know. Here's what one of those critics had to say about that poem as he breaks it down piece by piece:
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Occasionally in life, one experiences something so extraordinary that everything after is different. The sunsets more spectacular, the moon more resplendent; somehow every experience is enhanced. For the reader of the free association poem “Don’t Tailgate Me Please”, by well known agri- author Thomas J. Handorff, this is not the case. And yet the piece somehow sucks the reader in, like a two bit whore on dollar night. This is a critical analysis of Mr. Handorf’s recently published ode.

Don't Tailgate Me, Please!:

Die Redneck Die!

Here the author begins by associating the reader with the topic and subject matter to come. Obviously the poem is trying to reach out to those who might buy their wine in a box or are somehow dentally and/or perhaps hygienically challenged.

Congratulations, you are blinding me with your headlights,

It is here we are first introduced to the authors personal pain on the topic. He has obviously experienced a great personal loss, or has hemorrhoids. Critics have never been able to agree on this particular aside.

now, either pass me or stop riding my ass.

Easily the most transparent of all the hidden themes of this ode. The author appears to be referencing a homo-erotic relationship he often wrote of in other works with a “friend” named Buster. This subtle but clear declaration is characteristic of the agriculturally trained intellect of Mr. Handorff.

You think you are so cool with your oversize rims and tires
and your giant confederate flag decal,

At this point we are introduced to the author’s proclivity to relate all things to the size of his penis. This is a common literary device of the rural elite and is the hallmark of most all of the known literary estate of this author.

but this is iowa, dumbass, and we are well north of the mason dixon line.
Not that you even know what that is.

This is a diversion not seen before in literature by the iconic agrarian Handorff and perhaps the seminal line of the ode. Tom is expressing his frustration and lack of completion at the northern incursion of the 19^th century, into the southern United States. He firmly establishes himself as a Dixonian defender and indicates to the reader that for him, this northern aggression is not yet over. Most all critics have universally agreed this is the best argument yet that the author needs some sort of therapeutic intervention, and perhaps drug therapy of some sort.(The legal kind)

Your rusted out pickup is still a crummy piece of shit
just like you, you piece of shit.
What's your problem fucker?

Almost certainly a line introduced to allow the author to utilize his favorite and signature word in a socially acceptable way. Sadly, he was never able to realize his dream of adding the word “fucker” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

I want to stab you in the eye.
But you probably have a sawed off shotgun in your truck
and you'd shoot me with it if I tried to stab you.

This is undeniably the most obtuse and unresolved of all the thoughts in this angst ridden but sophomoric tome. Most, though not all, critics suggest that the author does not in fact intend to stab anyone in the eye, although personal acquaintances have indicated this was possible. The “sawed off shotgun” reference is accepted by most all Handorffian scholars as a lament to sexual performance problems/inadequacies that plagued the author throughout his formative years.(adolescence - 30)

I hate you and all your inbred kind.

The adventure takes a markedly ugly turn here when the author suggests that all those who have not fallen in line with his expectations(on any topic), have experienced intimacy with a close relative and perhaps produced off-spring. This is just plain stupid and was probably not part of the original work, but added at some later date. But it’s still stupid. I mean really, what the f*#k…..

So just die, assface, die.

I’m lost here, as are most intellectual critics. The anal reference is found in other writings by this author, but never truly analyzed metaphorically. Things are often referred to as “tasting like ass”, and people are sometimes referenced as “assface” as it is used here. This is the best argument yet that the author lives in a personal hell and is tormented by inner demons dimensionally equal to those of Poe or Van Gogh. One can only theorize that his mother held him too much, or perhaps not enough…but dammity….this guy is dangerous.

Literature is meant to take the reader to a place or experience and provide a unique perspective or analysis. This can often result in a moment of clarity or definition, after which, the reader is forever changed or intellectually evolved. No chance of that here…

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I just thought that was too funny and have been holding onto it too long not to share. And actually, the critique was written by my (author) friend Rob. He was just offended because he, in fact, drives a rusted out, piece-of-crap pickup with a foot print gas pedal and a texas star airbrushed on the hood.

big bird

This morning I was driving the ambulance back home from the hospital, and I saw an ostrich in the middle of the road. Maybe it was an emu, I don't really know the difference. I slowed down and said "whoa!, that's weird." Then he ran into the ditch. I'm glad I didn't hit him. I bet that's the first and last time I'll ever see a giant bird on the loose in the middle of an Iowa highway.

Later, I thought to myself "Man, I can't wait to blog about this!" Because that's what people these days do when something unusual happens to them.

I am sorry for wasting your time. I also apologize to myself for wasting my own time. Have a good day.

edit: After googling, it was definitely an emu. Emus have more hair.


emu












ostrich

30

It's been almost a month since I've updated this blog. If you get out of the habit, it's hard to sit down and update. I do like to blog though, mostly for myself. Occasionally I like to look back on my old entries and know exactly where I used to be in my life, and usually I thank God I'm not there anymore.

Except right now, I'd like to stop time here for a while. I'm crazy in love, I'm not quite 30 (I will be in only 47 days), and I'm still buzzing with the holiday spirit. Everything is super-duper.

Speaking of being 30 (in just 47 days), I found an entry off my old blog from Feb. 1, 2005. At that time I was petrified about turning 30 (which I will be doing, in 47 days).

I wrote:

"There's some things that I've never done before, that I really want to do before I turn 30.

1. Bungee jump or something equally as goofy.
2. Shave my head.
3. Buy a brand new car.
4. Visit London.
5. Run my best triathlon time ever.
6. Get out of Iowa on at least five more occasions.
7. Fall in love all over again."

I aggressively took on this list, and accomplished most of them. I bungeed, I shaved my head just for the heck of it (that was my first time and it was so, like, liberating), and I bought a new Nissan Altima which I love.

I did not make it to London, but I did visit a Paris, Venice, New York, New Orleans, and Rio De Janeiro, among other places while I was in Vegas. Those casino hotels were cool.

I did run one triathlon, but I did not train as much as I should of and did not get that great of a time. I decided that swimming and biking aren't for me, and I am going to stick to running marathons. I want to run one once every couple of years until I turn 60.

I did get out of Iowa more than five times, except I mostly stayed in the Midwest, with the exception of Vegas.

And for the grand finale, I fell in love in a way that I never expected to. It's awesome. Jill's awesome for me. With her, I'm not afraid of getting older. I'm going to marry that woman some day.

Vegas!

VEGAS BABY!

Dec. 17-19th. Going with Jill. Staying at the Mirage. Let's hope we don't come back married.

I'm so excited! I've been to Vegas once, and I loved it and all it's dirtiness. Jill's never been there. We're going to be there for less than 48 hours, and there's so much to do I can't even decide. Should we: (1) take a half a day to see the Hoover Dam?, (2) Gamble our lives away? (3) I could take some Viagra and we'll just stay in our room the whole time. Or we could(4) dish out the big bucks and see Celine Dion.

(1) It's a damn big dam. We might have to do this.
(2) I think gambling is pretty dumb, but that's just because I suck at it. I might spend a little time at my favorite game, Roulette. Always bet on black!
(3) I'd be up for this. Not that I need the Viagra to perform or anything.
(4) Oh hell no! No way I'm spending 400 bones to make me vomit. I'd rather throw my money away betting on the Packers to win the Superbowl or something.

I wish I could forget all about it

The biggest drawback about being on a small town's ambulance crew is that there's a good chance you will know the people involved in the accidents.

The page came across as a two car head-on collision and one of the vehicles was on fire. I could see the smoke from two miles away. This was going to be a bad, bad one, and I tried my best to prepare myself for the worst. When we got there, I remember thinking I had never seen a wreck this awful before, not even on tv or in pictures. What was left of the smashed up car was engulfed in massive flames, and I could tell there were people still inside. I got out of the ambulance and could feel the heat coming from it. The firemen had gotten there the same time we did, and I just wanted them to put the damn fire out. We needed to get to those people out.

It was too late. They were being burned up and I couldn't do a thing about it except stand there and watch it. No, I had to leave. I was numb. Later at my home that night, I puked. I wish I hadn't witnessed any of it.

Three people died in there. Two teenage boys and their mother. The funeral is today. I knew them. Everyone here knew them. It's so sad.

10 things that I am pretty sure of today

1. It's way too cold out.(37 degrees)

2. I'm ready for harvest to be over already. About two weeks are left, and then I can go back to having a life again.

3. I'm frickin in love. Things are going awesome.

4. My mom's chili is superb. And her lasagna too.

5. My Name is Earl is my new favorite show.

6. Jaime Pressley is hot.

7. Buster (my best friend) moved to Mexico for work. I miss him. He's on the West side so I don't think he got creamed by the hurricaine.

8. Little boys who dress up as giraffes for Halloween are adorable. We've been asking him what he wants to be for the last month, and he always says "Oh, I just want to wear a green shirt", and he would strongly veto every other suggestion. Finally we just bought him a giraffe costume, and when we finally convinced him to try it on he refused to take it off. He slept it in last night.

9. Kitten's are annoying, yet lovable. Jill got a couple of 6 week old cats who like to bite your toes. Candy and Callie. The boy named them.

10. I'm going some place warm before Christmas. Maybe Vegas.

can you o.d. on pepto-bismol?

My mom is doing great and is back at work and feeling good. Prayer works.

The post show is a funny, funny site (but not at all work friendly) where two guys from NYC make hilarious sketches.

I am sick today. I have diarrhea. I don't like it at all. I think I am dying. I wrote a song about it, like to hear it? here it goes:

I got the diarrhea-
I'm writing in my online diary, yeah.
I think I'm dying,
I want to go to Wyoming.

I think I took too much Pepto-bismol. It's messing up my brain.

I'm really tired right now

Mom had a heart attack yesterday. She is doing fine and recovering, but is still in the hospital. It was such a surprise because she is in such great shape, and hasn't had any health problems before. I was scared, I don't want to lose my mom. I'm a bit of a momma's boy and I love her more than anyone else on this earth. Anyway, they did a bunch of tests and the results should be back tomorrow. She may have to have surgery, which is fine with me if it helps her. I just pray that she will be okay.

Soybean harvest started last week, which is a direct cause of my absence around here. I've been working really long hours lately. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen hours a day. Should be done with the soybeans in a couple of weeks, and then on to the corn harvest. Hopefully, if things go well, we could be done by Halloween. We have about 3000 acres of grain to harvest. It's the busiest time of the year, and although I often feel burnt out during harvest, I genuinely enjoy it.

I've been trying to see Jill as much as possible lately, but it still hasn't been that often. Things have been going great between us. She actually took all of her pictures of her late husband down in her house the other day. I was surprised, because she hadn't even said anything about it to me before hand. She asked me once if the pictures bothered me, and I said no. They honestly didn't bother me and I knew she would remove them when she was ready. I think she is really ready to move on now. I'm excited. We are going to a friend of mine's wedding next weekend. I helped her pick out a cute little black dress for it, and she looks like a movie star in it.